Monday, December 18, 2006

Love and a Ridiculous (but funny) Christmas Tale .......

THE LOVE.......

AND THE RIDICULOUS (but funny).........

I found this in my e-mail and I couldn`t resist posting it. It would be a good Monty Python or Saturday Night Live skit......hahahhaaha!

During this “stressful” time, I think we all need to take a step back, breathe, and LAUGH.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose on his fireplace the night before Christmas.

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice

must be true because every Christmas morning,

although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing,

his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.

I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store,

don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like,
"What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!"
"Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,

Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked.

My dad quickly explained, "It's a doll!"

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell out of his chair

and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin,

stomped out of the house, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas

to treasure and remember.

Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from

a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party videos.

I think Grandpa still calls her.

by Marsha Oldinski

Hope you got a chuckle :)

......AND NOW THE UGLY....Getting fed up with Blogger! Found some time last night and tonight to read my blogs and I can`t seem to post a comment hardly anywhere :o\


Rosa said...

Hillarious! OMG! loved it. Good luck with blogger. I think I'm sticking with the old one for the time being!! Poor you! But, hey, the blog looks fantastic!! isn't that what matters!! xoxo Merry merry!

Sheila said...

Oh Tea, I'm so dumb, I was reading away and chuckling, and thinking gosh that Tea is hilarious, I really thought YOU were talking about YOUR brother..!
I think I better start taking my medication again..!

Zoey said...

I got a good laugh.

I thought the same as Sheila--that you were the one writing it. :)

Naturegirl said...

Funny funny story and I have been in one of {{those shops}} with natureboy snooping on Yonge St.and what a hoot just looking and imagining!!
~*Merry Christmas to all!*~

Nostalgia at the Stone House said...

That is hilarious!!! Thanks for the giggle tea!
Merry Christmas! X

Rowan said...

Ha!Ha!Ha! yep, I thought it was you and your brother too:)

Mile Stones said...

That's the best Christmas story since Charles Dickens & loads more laughs. Yep, the right inflatable doll bought judiciously for the right deserving recipient can work wonders at most family do I know? We served one up to my sweet but gullible & ingenuous brother-in-law for his 40th birthday, with his wife's full complicity! They still talk about that party throughout North London, many years on!
Thanks for youer perseverance at my place tea. My comments seem to be going better this week, but it's posting pictures that's getting to me now on Beta! That & endlessly having to sign in to my own blog. That's getting to be a real downer. XXX

Marion said...

This is hilarious. I,also, thought it was you, as I was reading.

Great giggle...thank you!

UKBob said...

Ha ha that was really funny, glad you are getting in the spirit of Christmas. Lots of people seem to be having trouble leaving comments, make sure you go to and sign in first before you visit any blogs Tea, that seems to work for me anyway.

Deepak Gopi said...

Very funny story

LADY LUXIE said...

hee!hee!.I actually thought you were talkin' about your granpa and granma!!..and your brother..LOL!!

Christine said...


PG said...

Brilliant! I too thought you were writing about your own experience until I got to the end!
Blogger can be a beast for me too, especially trying to comment on other's blogs.

Jeanne said...

How very funny oh I needed that laugh.
Blogger has been giving me trouble
Love you
Merry Christmas!

Gina E. said...

What a hoot! It's not too late to email a copy of this to all my friends to giggle over after Christmas dinner!

Sonia said...

Merry Christmas!
Love the photo of Elvis! He looks adorable!

Cindy said...

OMG That was so funny!